George W. Bush’s Magic Glasses

I believe that in the morning before George W. Bush hops out of bed, Dick Cheney must sneak in, like to tooth fairy, and put MAGIC GLASSES on the sleeping commander-in-chief.

It’s these MAGIC GLASSES that allow him to me so damn chipper all the time - despite the looming specter of facts coming to darken his day. When George and the MAGIC GLASSES see trouble coming they know just what to do - filter it out!

With his glasses on, GWB tells us great news like this from the campaign trail:

“This country [Iraq] is headed toward democracy.”

You see, with MAGIC GLASSES everyone in Iraq is sitting there wondering whether to frolick in place or to spontaneously erect a monument to Paul Wolfowitz.

But here in the real world, where we don’t have access to those MAGIC GLASSES we see scary things - things that make the president sound out of touch, clueless, or self-delusional. We see things like the National Intelligence Estimate’s pessimistic research that says that the Iraq situation now has three likely conclusions:

Living in a state of constant fear awaiting the next bombing (status quo)
All out civil war
A fractured tribal society taking over in which tribal agendas are prosecuted (and Lord knows the US has gone out of its way to stop the genocide in Darfur - remember we’re the force for liberty and human rights, right?)

See, the MAGIC GLASSES make the facts disappear and make everything seem peachy keen!

Much like a delusional CEO in a bankruptcy tailspin (which our president, a multi-times failed business man should know well) or a bad gambler, Bush thinks things will magically turn around (with the MAGIC GLASSES the next day or the next card is always the one you need).

With the glasses on you can inspire without a hitch of cynicism, you can say things like: " I believe in the transformational power of liberty. The wisest use of American strength is to advance freedom. "

…And not realize that the transformation you’ve helped usher in is a debacle, chaos, and a situation that is unwinnable – all the while the mastermind of September 11th is still at large. Furthermore you’ve started our noble Republic down the path of Imperialism.

The MAGIC GLASSES keep one safe from irony too!

Bush said, castigating Putin’s behavior in the post Beslan horror as he works to consolidate power, squelch media protest, and dominate by the politics of fear:

“As governments fight the enemies of democracy, they must uphold the principles of democracy.”

To which Putin I’m sure had to say: “Are you on drugs (again)? The ability to pull what books citizens have checked out, that is _nyet_democracy. Asking Muslim men to go down to local federal offices and register, that’s hardly democracy, comrade.”

But the MAGIC GLASSES help elicit that cute smirk and a thought of chopping wood in Crawford and those nasty facts and themes suddenly pop like bubbles and life goes on just the same for the delusionist-in-chief.

If anything seems to go wrong guess what else, Bush can dispel bad news with banners that say “Mission Accomplished” and guess what - it is! Just like “The American Economy is getting stronger” . He says so, it must be so! The future is so bright with MAGIC GLASSES that you almost need to swap them out for shades!

And at night, Bush goes to bed, sleeping the sleep of the just, sleeping good dreams in which the Yankee-cowpoke sets everything square and all is right in Tombstone.

As hisgentle snores start, Dick tiptoes back in, removes the glasses and we, the residents of Tombstone, worry about what evils have been filtered out by the MAGIC GLASSES. Instead of the chimeral promises, we see reality and we are afraid.

Here’s a graph that breaks down how we’re winning the war.

You will note all my story references are from FoxNews - the mouthpiece of the Empire. I have chosen their story sites to avoid the criticism that it’s the fault of the “liberal media”

Update: Kerry calls Bush’s outlook “rose-tinted” here