The Narcissist's Playbook: How to Identify, Disarm, and Protect Yourself from Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, and Other Types of Manipulative and Abusive People
Dana Morningstar
- 23 minutes read - 4793 wordsAuthor: Dana Morningstar
Rating: ★★
I suppose ever since the America welcomed in and ushered out its 45th president, I’ve become fascinated with the obviously abusive behavior narcissists heap out on their targets (Hi, Republican Party esp. Sens. Cruz and Graham), why their targets tolerate it beyond pure opportunism, and why so many third parties will come to the aggressor’s defense.
As I’ve done ever-more research on the matter, I’ve seen more patterns around manipulation and narcissism affecting those in my own life. Particularly as a manger, I’ve come to see that some leaders, unwittingly or no, influence by manipulation instead of persuasion, alignment, fairness, and shared vision.
Enter this book.
Unfortunately, the book feels like huge chunks of it were written with AI assistance or with near-verbatim cut-outs from support web-sites. To be clear, I’m fully open to the idea that Ms. Morningstar and her site are good and noble pursuits in the world. Unfortunately, the book, for me, didn’t give me the dispassionate exploration of narcissistic manipulation I was hoping for. On the other hand, it provided many anecdotes and a lot of support for survivors, and, again, that’s a good thing.
I took some notes and some inspiration, but it wasn’t the type of analysis I was looking for. I’m blessed in that I don’t need affirmation; I don’t need examples talking about how others are dealing with the same thing – blessedly! For those who need the confidence to break away, validation of their own invalidating thoughts, etc. this book might have a lot more value.
{
"title": "The Narcissist's Playbook: How to Identify, Disarm, and Protect Yourself from Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, and Other Types of Manipulative and Abusive People",
"author": "Dana Morningstar",
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"annotations": [
{
"highlight": "Healthy narcissism is when our level of self-orientation is such that we realize that we matter and are worth valuing and making a priority.",
"location": 112,
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{
"highlight": "In both a literal tsunami and an emotional tsunami that is the result of extreme manipulation, there is no shortage of people who play the part of the Monday-morning quarterback. It's easy to know what to do when you have the emotional distance of not being involved and the benefit of knowing how everything will play out.",
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},
{
"highlight": "If identifying something as large as a tsunami is difficult, then think about how challenging it can be to identify something more subtle, such as manipulation.",
"location": 162,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "victims of natural disasters aren't blamed for having their lives destroyed, but victims of manipulation or other forms of abuse are.",
"location": 169,
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},
{
"highlight": "Make no mistake: a manipulative relationship is an abusive relationship, and an abusive relationship is a manipulative one as well.",
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},
{
"highlight": "We unconsciously use dark humor as a way to relieve our anxiety about a stressful situation. What's happening here is that the danger is registering on one level but being suppressed on another. This is why erring on the side of caution is so important.",
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{
"highlight": "When we encounter anything that we struggle to acknowledge, such as our boss being inappropriate or our partner having squirrelly behavior, we attempt to make sense of what's going on, because this feels like the logical thing to do. However, if we are hoping that what we are experiencing isn't the problem we know deep down that it is, we will cling to any rationalization we can come up with and tell ourselves that it's no big deal.",
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"highlight": "Phase One: Awareness of Manipulation after the Fact.",
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{
"highlight": "Phase Two: Awareness of Manipulation While It's Happening.",
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"highlight": "Phase Three: Developing a Planned Response to Manipulative Behavior.",
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{
"highlight": "In terms of personal relationships, manipulation is a slow and steady imbalance of power. This imbalance is created when one person leverages the emotions of fear, obligation, or guilt against another with the ultimate goal of getting their way.",
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{
"highlight": "manipulation is a power play that's rooted in a dangerous degree of entitlement or sadism.",
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{
"highlight": "At this degree, it's common for the target's reality to have been replaced with the manipulator's, and they may feel they are to blame for any abuse that is occurring.",
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},
{
"highlight": "The reason issues don't get resolved with manipulators is simple: they don't want them to get resolved.",
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{
"highlight": "not all manipulators are malicious or intentional. Some people with codependent behavior may be well-intended, but in ways that are controlling or manipulative.",
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{
"highlight": "Narcissists tend to have a paper-thin ego, and any real or perceived injury to their ego can cause them to lash out in wildly inappropriate and destructive ways.",
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{
"highlight": "They may even have a complete melt down which is basically the adult version of a temper tantrum.",
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{
"highlight": "The driving force behind a person's behavior can be traced back to one of two mindsets: domination-driven or team-oriented.",
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{
"highlight": "A domination-driven mindset is one where a person must be in control and they must win.",
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{
"highlight": "A person operating from this type of mindset isn't interested in seeking a solution.",
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{
"highlight": "Four Main Motives of Manipulators",
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{
"highlight": "advance their selfish agenda.",
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{
"highlight": "get and keep power and control over others.",
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},
{
"highlight": "To feel in control.",
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},
{
"highlight": "To feed their ego.",
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{
"highlight": "Malicious manipulators do not see your kindness, caring, or love as endearing; they will see it as a sign of weakness and will exploit it. There are no actions that you can take to somehow earn their love, respect, or to even be treated fairly or appropriately, although they will make you feel that there is. They will exhaust you emotionally, physically, and financially, and will not feel a sense of warmth or desire to reciprocate no matter how much you've done for them.",
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{
"highlight": "person denies reality in order to ease their anxiety about it. This",
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"highlight": "Example #1: A child falls down and scrapes his elbow. His mother rushes over, kisses his elbow, and tells him that he is \"all better.\" Example #2: A child wants to try a new food, and their older sibling tells them that they won't like it, and convinces them to eat something else. Example #3: A child is uncomfortable around a certain relative, and their grandparent tells them that they are being silly or difficult and to go give that person a hug or sit on their lap.",
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{
"highlight": "Hoovering is a manipulation technique named after the Hoover vacuum, where the manipulator attempts to suck the target back into the relationship. The manipulator's attempts at reopening communication may seem harmless, such as them saying \"hello\" or \"happy birthday\" or texting out of the blue.",
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{
"highlight": "Love bombing is excessive communication, compliments, and future faking to lure a target into (or back into) a relationship.",
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{
"highlight": "One of the main reasons conversations with narcissists, and many other manipulators, are so infuriating is because their communication—especially their justifications for their behavior—tends to be irrational and illogical.",
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"highlight": "Hot and cold. This is where everything may be fine one moment, and then suddenly things take a sharp turn. This is usually caused by the target disagreeing with the manipulator or behaving in a way that the manipulator disapproves of. If things take a sharp turn out of the blue, it may be because",
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"highlight": "The ten stages are: 1. Confidence is established. 2. An emotional bond is established. 3. The target receives a boundary push. 4. Confusion from the target occurs. 5. An emotional hook is dropped. 6. The target resists. 7. The manipulator applies pressure. 8. The target is threatened. 9. The target complies. 10. The dynamic worsens or it ends.",
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{
"highlight": "Confusion is often the first sign of a problem. When a person is being manipulated by someone they have a relationship with, they experience confusion and then they rationalize it.",
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},
{
"highlight": "\"I thought you loved me.\" \"If you loved me/wanted this job/were a friend you would do this.\" \"I would never lie to you or hurt you.\"",
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{
"highlight": "10. The dynamic worsens or it ends.",
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},
{
"highlight": "The manipulator spots another target and moves on.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "When a manipulator moves on, it's usually for one of two reasons: the target stops giving in, or the manipulator becomes excited by a fresh, new prospect.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The target is left wondering how the manipulator can move on so quickly, like they never existed, and how they seem so indifferent and unaffected. They are left nursing the pain of profound heartbreak, while simultaneously struggling with confusion about why the manipulator left and what they could have done differently.",
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{
"highlight": "However, going to therapy with a manipulative or otherwise emotionally immature person will often make things worse.",
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{
"highlight": "1. They may suggest therapy because they think you are the one who needs to change. Most of the time manipulators don't have the self-awareness to know that their behavior is a problem.",
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{
"highlight": "Can They Change?",
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{
"highlight": "The Five Stages of The Transtheoretical Model of Change",
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},
{
"highlight": "Pre-contemplation.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Contemplation.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Preparation (Determination",
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},
{
"highlight": "Action.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Maintenance.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Part 3: Breaking Free from Manipulation",
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},
{
"highlight": "pain is our brain's primary way of trying to get our attention so that it can deliver an important message.",
"location": 2457,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "in the best-case scenario, this inability to identify pain is due to gender, social, or cultural expectations.",
"location": 2477,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "strongly believe toxic gender messages are why boys and men are significantly more hesitant and unable to adequately identify their pain. I would even go so far as to say I think this is why many men who have the early signs of a heart attack, excuse themselves to the bathroom",
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},
{
"highlight": "dismiss, such as emotional pain. Just like with physical pain, we aren't taught to view our emotional pain, or our emotions in general, as the important messengers of information that they are.",
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},
{
"highlight": "Focus On Understanding the Game and Not Each Tactic",
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{
"highlight": "solid game plan must include are: 1. Understand the game. 2. Understand who your \"opponent\" is. 3. Understand and Anticipate Your \"Opponent's\" Moves. 4. Understand who is on your team, (who is safe and who is unsafe) and act accordingly. 5. Understand yourself; understand how you handle stress, what \"moves\" you tend to make, and why. 6. Develop some strategies. 7. Practice your strategies.",
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{
"highlight": "Understanding and Anticipating the Manipulator's Moves",
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{
"highlight": "Expect them to throw out every trick they have in order to pull you back in.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Expect them to play stupid.",
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},
{
"highlight": "Expect them to rapidly push as many of your buttons as possible.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Expect them to rewrite reality in order to make themselves the victim or the hero.",
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},
{
"highlight": "Expect them to launch a smear campaign against you.",
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},
{
"highlight": "Expect them to send their flying monkeys after you.",
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},
{
"highlight": "Expect that they will \"hoover.",
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},
{
"highlight": "One of the most hurtful parts of a manipulative relationship is all of the collateral damage that's done.",
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{
"highlight": "Many targets come to realize that they will need to cut or greatly reduce contact with those who don't fully support them. If this describes your situation, please know that you aren't over-reacting or being too sensitive.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "When targets realize they need to start pruning back who is in their inner circle, they often experience a mix of sadness, anxiety, grief, and fear of isolation.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "if the only people you have in your life are problematic, there's no real support there anyway.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Well-intended Bad Advice",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Hurt people hurt people.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Commitment takes work.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "They are doing the best they can; you should be more compassionate",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "You can't heal until you forgive them.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "In terms of being around manipulators, we tend to go into freeze mode when they say or do something that knocks us off balance.",
"location": 2846,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "feeling stunned, at a loss for words, and potentially unable to move. If we are able to say or do something, fear may take over, and we find ourselves becoming eager to please by agreeing to requests or demands that we wouldn't have otherwise done had we not been knocked off balance.",
"location": 2850,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "When panic sets in, we might leave the room, change the topic, avoid the person or situation, or we might seek to escape into watching TV, shopping, drugs, alcohol, computer games, work, you name it.",
"location": 2858,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "when someone is in fight mode, the parts of the brain that control empathy, the desire to connect and bond to others, or to reach a solution are not present--especially if they are exhibiting aggression towards you.",
"location": 2864,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "When a person goes into friend mode, their voice tends to become higher, they become overly complimentary and are quick to take a submissive role, giving into the demands of the person they find intimidating.",
"location": 2870,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "manipulation is only effective if we don't see it for what it is",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "person with a type 1 self-esteem expects to be treated with dignity and respect, and believes there is no justification for others to treat them poorly.",
"location": 2996,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "person with a type 2 self-esteem justifies being mistreated by others. They often feel taken for granted and unlovable.",
"location": 3001,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Three Results of Low Self-Esteem",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Continual self-doubt.",
"location": 3010,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "If you distrust your judgment and perceptions of people and situations, then odds are you look to others to take the lead on what you should think, feel, or how you should act. This is how people tend to get involved in a series of abusive relationships.",
"location": 3011,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Low degree of self-protection. If you are continually placing your safety and sanity last, or can't tell when you are being mistreated or in danger, then this is not only a problem—it’s incredibly dangerous.",
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},
{
"highlight": "External locus of control. A locus of control is how and where you attribute the cause of things that happen or don't happen to you. There are two types of locus of control: internal and external. If a person has an external locus of control, they feel that their life is largely directed by things outside of their control—usually other people. This external focus causes a person to become angry, bitter, jaded, defeated, helpless, depressed, anxious, distrusting, and fearful. A person with an internal locus of control is largely self-directed.",
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},
{
"highlight": "While anyone can be the target of a manipulator, those who tend to get caught up with multiple manipulators generally do so because they have certain personality traits that are impacting their ability to be self-protective—which makes them vulnerable to exploitation. These four traits are: going with the flow (people pleasing), fear of anger, desire to avoid conflict or confrontation, and no solid sense of self.",
"location": 3060,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Ingratiating ourselves and avoiding confrontation does not make for a healthy relationship, it makes for resentment and a buildup of issues.",
"location": 3076,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Perpetually pleasing others causes harm--especially if we are taking care of everyone else at the expense of ourselves.",
"location": 3079,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Fear of anger",
"location": 3108,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "They may not know how to be angry in an appropriate way, and so they may feel it's safer to bottle up that anger and pretend that everything is fine.",
"location": 3114,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "No solid sense of self.",
"location": 3117,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "A person without a solid sense of self is quick to give away their power to others as they think that everyone else knows better than they do—even regarding their major life decisions.",
"location": 3118,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "if we do know who we are, but our identity is limited to only being a healer or caregiver to others, then this is also a problem, as we will continue to not only find the proverbial baby birds with broken wings, but we will unconsciously seek them out.",
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},
{
"highlight": "Many empaths, codependents, and \"born healers\" are often very in tune with others, and very out of tune with themselves.",
"location": 3122,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Having empathy for others doesn't mean that we need to have a lack of boundaries.",
"location": 3124,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Desire to avoid conflict or confrontation.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Boundaries, standards, and deal breakers are vital to living an authentic life.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "attempting to set boundaries with an abusive person can lead to their behavior escalating and becoming very dangerous very fast.",
"location": 3156,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "trying to explain to them what they've done wrong, why it's wrong, and why it hurt you is as effective as screaming into the wind,",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Remember, you are dealing with a person who is intent on winning, not a person who works as a team.",
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"annotation": "seems over-simplistic"
},
{
"highlight": "boundaries as, \"a form of both containment and regulation to where we are able to express ourselves moderately as well as are able to filter incoming messages from others in a self-protective way.\"",
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},
{
"highlight": "functional external containment boundary is one who can contain and control their behavior.",
"location": 3176,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "functional internal regulation boundary is able to regulate what types of communication and actions they let in from others.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "When we stew or vent, it's because the issue hasn't been effectively resolved.",
"location": 3185,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Many people are uncomfortable with setting healthy boundaries because they don't want to be rude, or they fear confrontation, rejection, disapproval, or abandonment.",
"location": 3189,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The result of not having boundaries is that our relationship dynamics with significant others, family, friends, and co-workers all become one-sided.",
"location": 3193,
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},
{
"highlight": "The consequence of these one-sided, unfulfilling relationships where we are more focused on pleasing other people than valuing ourselves is a life full of anger, hurt, and resentment, although it may take many years for us to even realize we feel this way.",
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"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Setting boundaries is necessary for emotional intimacy to develop with others.",
"location": 3200,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Removing people from your life, or moving them to a different circle in your life, is often difficult at first, but it's a lot easier than living a life of misery and invalidation",
"location": 3201,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "manipulators may try to make you feel selfish for setting limits with them,",
"location": 3223,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Holding our boundaries is a primary way that we cultivate self-respect. It's impossible to simultaneously respect and erase ourselves. Every time we give into something we don't want to, we silence our inner self. When this happens, that inner voice begins to start talking to us. It pushes back and questions why we are allowing this mistreatment.",
"location": 3225,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "You can tell the difference between your internal self-critical voice and your internal authentic self-voice, by what happens when you assert your boundaries. Your internal authentic-self voice will quiet down once you start standing up for yourself—and will harbor resentment when you don't, whereas the negative self-talk that results from low self-esteem or critical parenting doesn't—if anything, the more you try to set boundaries or achieve your goals the louder and more insulting that voice becomes.",
"location": 3230,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The more time you spend around this person, and don't make your boundaries known, the more boundary violations will occur,",
"location": 3242,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "If you are curious to know what your standards are, look at the things you're currently doing.",
"location": 3256,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "If we want to improve our life, we start by raising our standards. However, we can only raise our standards to the level of our self-worth and self-esteem.",
"location": 3263,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "People with healthy deal breakers think about situations and the behavior of others in terms of what's acceptable according to their healthy standards. People with non-existent deal breakers interact with the world based on how much they can handle until they are forced to walk away",
"location": 3280,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "If we think having deal breakers makes us inflexible or uncaring, then we will stay in situations until they become so outrageously inappropriate and unbearable that we hit our breaking point.",
"location": 3286,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "There are several distancing strategies a person can use: gray rock, low contact, and no contact.",
"location": 3306,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Gray rock is when you become as unexciting and uninteresting as, well, a gray rock.",
"location": 3309,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "you leave their company and are rehashing conversation with yourself or a friend, then more distance is needed. Remember, you set the pace.",
"location": 3328,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "No contact is when you have no contact with a dangerous or destructive person.",
"location": 3333,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The goal here is for you to shift out of being reactive and into being responsive.",
"location": 3350,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Respond; Don't React",
"location": 3352,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "it's absolutely infuriating to have someone who has hurt you so bad insist that they are the victim of you—especially when they've rewritten reality to do so. However, there's no point in responding to this nonsense, as doing so won't set the record straight, it will just get you back wrestling around in the mud with them—which is exactly what they want.",
"location": 3362,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Set Your Terms You will have to teach the manipulator through your interaction, or lack of interaction, with them as to how you expect to be treated.",
"location": 3379,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Respond on Your Time Schedule, Not Theirs",
"location": 3401,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Unless it is a truly urgent situation, give it some time (at least a few hours or a day) and then respond. How quickly you respond contributes to setting the pace and lets the other person know they are your top priority at the moment.",
"location": 3404,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Repeat What You’ve Said Once you've asserted yourself, it's important to stand your ground and repeat only what you told them originally. Do not start discussing, debating, or defending your actions. A great way to remember to avoid doing this is with the acronym \"JADE,\" which stands for \"Justify,\" \"Argue,\" \"Defend,\" or \"Explain.\" If you do start to JADE, they are dragging you off course and into the mud",
"location": 3428,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Disarm the Manipulation",
"location": 3441,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "One way to disarm manipulation is to address their behavior directly. However,",
"location": 3443,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "to be used with the manipulators out there who are on the annoying or frustrating end of the spectrum, and never with someone violent or that you fear might become violent.",
"location": 3444,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The best predictor of a manipulator's future behavior is their past behavior.",
"location": 3463,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Strategy #1: Stop seeking clarity from the person with whom you feel perpetually confused around.",
"location": 3476,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Strategy #2: Anticipate nostalgia, minimization, and well-intended bad advice.",
"location": 3490,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Strategy #3: Understand that there is always an angle.",
"location": 3501,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Strategy #4: Getting a witness to your reality. Document every communication possible in order to create a paper trail. And view your every response as though you'd have to explain yourself to a judge. Additionally, you would be wise to assume that they are doing the same thing, so be mindful of what you say and how you say it.",
"location": 3526,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Prepare and practice to be knocked off balance.",
"location": 3543,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Prepare and practice how you can keep your distance from them.",
"location": 3546,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Prepare and practice some responses ahead of time.",
"location": 3549,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Prepare to need support.",
"location": 3554,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The first rabbit hole is understanding that many of the messages we've been given about love, friendship, commitment, how to solve problems, and how to spot problematic people are incomplete at best, and incorrect at worst.",
"location": 3573,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The main focus people in this phase tend to have is with trying to discern the difference between normal and deeply problematic behavior. It's around this point that they get caught up in well-intended bad advice",
"location": 3578,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "Understanding that there are people in this world who are so profoundly destructive is really confusing, and it can feel that the only way we can keep ourselves safe is by understanding what we are up against.",
"location": 3582,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The second rabbit hole people go down is when they realize whatever relationship brought them to a book like this isn't the first problematic relationship they've had in their life.",
"location": 3616,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The third rabbit hole involves an even further expansion of awareness. Now you are starting to see problematic behavior in society. You begin to see the problematic messages that are circulated and seen as either harmless or as truth.",
"location": 3639,
"annotation": ""
},
{
"highlight": "The fourth rabbit hole is seeing your own problematic thoughts and behavior.",
"location": 3664,
"annotation": ""
}
]
}