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Steven: Secret Survey Subversive (and Sibilant)

In my job as IT demigod, petitioners unto My Grace open “Cases” where they ask for “Help.”

Like a good Deist Diety I frequently look upon these “pleas” with disdain and go on about other things like imagining what the perfect color of yo-yo is.

Unlike a true diety, however, the petitioners unto my favors are invited to fill out satisfaction surveys.

This does not work so well in the real world. Rating a diety on His or Her success in fulfuilling your request for miraculous intervention generally has bad side effects varying from Elk-Turnings-Into, Wanderings-Until-Messiah’s-Return, and the classic lightning bolt.

Recently I opened a great number of cases to get a number of things set up. As it so happens one particluar individual took all those cases and solved them all to my expectation. But I grow so weary of filling out the surveys. While I could certainly ignore them, I want the good-natured Raj to know that I appreicate his work.

Is clicking “5” (the highest rating) enough? I daresay not. I have decided to reward Raj with poetic praise. I few samples:

In a world of support dwarves Raj’s level of service towers like Polyphemus.

or

Raj’s service provided a rainbow in the midst of a rainy San Jose day.

I’ve been imagining more…

Based on Raj’s excellent service, I would consider inviting him to a fancy dinner party. For hors d'ouvres I was contemplating fine French cheeses served on Carr’s Table Water Crackers (or, perhaps wheat thins). The cheese should be garnished with grapes and served by an inconspicuous catering company that charged reasonable rates. In the background we should have a Diana Krall-like chanteuse singing jazz standards. Raj could come in, meet my majordomo who would then take his overcoat and, if applicable, hat and umbrella. After the cheese and crackers, crudites and a fine course of lobster tail would be served. If raj is a vegetarian I can make arrangements as well.

or

Because I could not help my self /
Raj kindly help-ed me. /
The case notes held but us and /
Ended successf'ly

(I still hate Emily Dickinson)