stevengharms.com

The last time I blogged about Ashlee Simpson’s Milli Vanilli debacle on SNL it was pure schadefreude.

I didn’t even re-type the blog entry that I lost about Conan’s spot for memorial quarters for each of the new states (“New York: Where Ashlee Simpson’s Career Died” - with a graven image of Ashlee’s offence to the word “dance”). I thought Conan might have been prematurly using the word “dead”. I was right.

Her performance during last night’s Orange Bowl really, really, really, needs to put a big wooden stake in the undead beast that is her career. Much like a van Helsing , for the creatures own good it must be laid to final rest.

So the rest of the post, it is not about my joy in watching Ashlee get maimed for the fact that her asshole-manager-father pushed her into the limelight riding on the coattails of her sister — no it’s about something else.

The music industry is hard and brutal. People who “come up” work day and night surviving on grift, spaghtti-os, and waiting tables. In their dark, cramped apartments they work out their dreams and sing to empty theatres. They get strong, the develop a stage presence.

Under the best of circumstances they, like the butterfly, use struggle to make their wings strong.

Were you to assist the butterfly by cutting open its chysalis, its wings would be weak, it would fall to the ground, and return to biomass.

Ashlee’s career is the same. Her first “gig” at the Knitting Factory in LA happened after she had gotten signed. Huh? What? The Knitting Factory is a hard gig to get because many people want it, it’s the place people go to get signed (else they have a loyal local following which they use to stake a claim to KF’s stage). T

The fact of the matter is that her ‘reality show’ life is her main occupation and this career was insured and assissted by the other client her manager-father manages - her sister Jessica.

I’m pretty sure the meeting went like :

“Newlyweds was a runaway success, if you’d like it for another season, you need to help launch my other act. She’s really great and a reality show that would help kick start her musical career would be great.”

:: negotiating happens, contract signed ::

Ashlee’s reality show about her “new career” is signed to.

A record company is approached,

“Ashlee has a reality show on MTV, this will guarantee records of a certain amount, and we’ve got her in ads with hot commodity Jessica Simpson, whaddaya say you make some guaranteed cash?”

:: negotiating happens, contract signed ::

A chewing-gum company is approached,

“Ashlee has a record contract and a reality show and she’s acted a bit, what do you say you cast her as “female companion 1” to hot commodity Jessica Simpson in your ads?”

:: negotiating happens, contract signed ::

How many years and #1 hits of proven success did Michael Jackson bring before he finally got a Pepsi ad? How many #1 hits did Ashlee have before she launched her ads?

Someone tried to help her short-cut the developmental process associated with becoming a real recording artist and the chickens have come home to roost.

So at the Orange Bowl she was booed, gave a horrible performance (leaving the Graceful Bobcat’s jaw agape), and was booed some more. At this point it’s impossible not to have a little human pity enter the picture.

Who to blame? The greedy promoters who wanted a hot at the start of football season to be there. The greedy MTV producers who wanted a chance to get more Jessica? The fame-hungry father who gets his rise from commanding hot commodity daughters?

I don’t know, but this flame-out, had the machinery of the illusion of ‘reality stars’ in actual reality functioned properly Ashlee might not be in this state.

I daresay, in parallel to Janet Jackson, Ashlee has suffered a reality malfunction.

More on the mechanics of the reality malfunction later…

I”m a sucker for a good conspiracy….

http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm

Can any of the smart masses out there help me either debunk this or admit that maybe we should be allowed to see some of the footage?

Update:

Marian and others let me know that my love of conspiracy theory was trumping reality (again) and Snopes has an article on this one. Nevertheless, it should remind us all that the ‘factual’ footage captured by ‘embedded’ journalists also has the same power as the movie mentioned above: presenting pictures that the producing party wants to convey a version of reality - that may not be true at all.

The Social Bobcat has asked his lady for her fair hand (she has agreed).

This evening I dub her (based on the Word spellcheck engine) upon their matrimonial date: The Graceful Bobcat.

Ceremony to occur sometime TBD but you’ll see updates here eventually - I’m going to help make sure that everything goes off without a hitch.

Update: Er, rather with a hitch.

Recently, the League of Melbotis made some statements on the subject of eating at McDonalds. He mentioned the fear and trembling that comes from eating their food, and the vague sense of guilt that comes upon completion of your McMeal.

He rightly identifies the thing which is most annoying about McDonald’s these days, their advertising. The League’s complaints are my complaints as well, but I have another angle to ply: the portrayed infantilism of the black male.

In the episode of racial stereotypes by McDonalds we see 3 young African-American guys at a host’s apartment preparing to watch a lively game of basketball.

Now, here’s the first thing, the above paragraph is what most black people I’ve ever met would say. In the McFilter, everyone speaks McBonics. Let me rephrase the preceding paragraph so that it matches the McFilter.

Yo, on this spot, three homies are comin’ back to fool’s crib to peep the game and get they lunch on.

Ludicrous that I write in such a style? Exactly. Who is McDonald’s kidding? In one of the ad spots one of the voices uses “fool” in exactly the same sense which I just did. Say what? No one talks like that and McDonald’s’ attempt to play to the “urban” demographic comes off as pandering, exploitative, patronization.

OK, so the dialog is bad.

The host in the ad is putting away a duvet cover. His homies start clownin’ His friend start giving him a hard time - what? Why? Maybe his friends are pigs and like having sheets so filthy they can stand on their own, but in the world where men get dates with good-looking, sensible women and know how to take care of themselves, duvet covers get bought and laundry gets washed?

What is this ad trying to say? Black males are only concerned with greasy burgers and basketball games? A guy that keeps his place nice is to be mocked? A guy that knows something about having a nice home is suspect of … something vaguely love-that-dare-not-speak-its-name?

And what about the mockers? Is moms back home taking care of this for them? Their ho? The latter is certainly unlikely given that they’re lovin’ the McD.

As hinted above, this ad has a latent streak of anti-meterosexuality or anti-homosexuality. McDonald’s is pandering (again) to the time-bomb of “urban” fear of non-ur-heterosexuality. This over-macho-ization is what leads to a local dialog that praises degrading women (hoes), celebrating base sexual gratification and power (being a pimp), exploring short-term temporal gratification and encourages a culture of infantilism where being a man is less important than being a “thug” - a tribal strongman in his urban castle.

Spare us.

The fundamental semiotic content feels to me: “Young black men, eat here, you basketball-playing, gay-fearing, bitch-controlling, he-men.”

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against hanging with your friends and (ugh) having a McMeal, but when it’s so forced, overwrought, and celebratory of low horizons, how can I have any reaction but to stay away?

Furthermore, these ads are further alienating me as a white male. I feel less inclined to eat there than ever before seeing another human group so patronized. Has McDonalds given up on the white male demographic? The guy that took the kids to the Golden Arches? The “You Deserve a Break Today” white male?

…or is it more insidious, like advertising St. Ides only in urban blighted wards of Houston? The affluent and educated would never fall for this crap?

(If it is the case that their reasoning be so insidious, they should remember that the poorest parts of American society are white, so why portray only black men?)

In any case, I’ll be getting my burgers at Carl’s which has the good sense to put beautiful models in its ads, eating big juicy burgers.

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html

I think back in the day I was too young or hung-up on 4-chord progressions to appreciate her work but recently I’ve come around to liking the work of Siouxsie and the Banshees more and more.

I think that things started to really change when I saw her on The Alternative on VH1. I knew the back story: she had been a punk back before I was born in the early London scene, Robert Smith’s litttle band had made their way into fame on her coattails, and she has sufficent eyebrow to stack books upon.

Note to the subtlety-impaired, the Cure are a quite famous band who have sold bazillions of records. As such, my assertion that the band is “little” is to be taken with a grain of salt.

However, seeing her on television recently really got me into enjoying the artistic spectacle that is S&B, they’re audio, they’re visual, and at the center of it all is this strange, avant garde coutourista chanteuse.

She’s rather mysterious really, but in interviews she seems quite like the urbane Londoner I would expect - a nice lady who would show you her Chagal prints before tea.

For someone that was making big music before she was 20 she’s also very well-spoken and well-educated, I am amazed by her natural sense of narrative and ease in interviews.

I suppose that after watching all the recent tsunami footage I kept thinking of her haunting howling line:

“But oh, your city lies in dust, my friend”

Growing up in the Southwest one of the restaurant chains which has a special place in my gullet is Chick-Fil-A.

Their chicken nuggets are the best. They’re so tender, so spicy, so…. good.

But while here in Northern California we have a great multiplicity of fast-food burgers (Carl’s Junior {Junior What Exactly?} , In-and-Out, and the kick-ass Clarke’s Charcoal Broiler) - we have BUT ONLY 1 CHICK-FIL-A.

I kid you not. San Francisco is certainly one of the 5 greatest cities in the American mainland and not a one to be found in the city by the bay.

In the Silicon Valley we generate the intellectual myth that propels the American economy’s new directions - but can we get a freakin’ 12 pack of nuggets while we consider the next 200 lines of code to resurrect the dead corpse of the new economy?

In Foster City and South San Francisco they are sequencing DNA, but there is no CFA!

The only CFA in NoCal is in a tiny little dot along the highway called Fairfield. Located off of I80 (the route from the Bay to Tahoe) Fairfield, a modest 90 minute drive, is the closest CFA in the area.

How can this be? Surely the great provinces of consumer capability would make it attractive for CFA to have a store or two hereabouts? I mean, look, if people can pay 250K for an 800sq. foot condo, surely they’re not going to make a lot of noise about a 7 dollar valu-pak of chicken nuggets, right?

I know CFA is a ‘family values’ kinda store (think red state) and I really respect their no work on Sunday policy - even if you’re not religious i like the idea of the working class being socially-promoted (social morality trough arbeid - sounds like a Stalinist propaganda poster) to spend time at home (or have time for a second job to make ends meet - thanks tax cuts!).

This led me to think, perhaps they hate California for some reason, or perhaps the land use cost is too high for the franchise formulate to work out…..

…but I heard from a friend in Orange County that they have many CFAs. What? It seems CFA doesn’t want to expand in the Bay Area — exclusively!

My little chicken tender heart was crushed.

I wrote an email to CFA corporate and they responded (thank you very much, no sarcasm intended) to me and said all their expansons are in LA and Long Beach!

Yet again they expand to the south, but brush us Bay Areans off like….waterlogged, foggy second-class citizens.

As consolation CFA sent me this nice response - with attached coupon.

Incidentally, Audrey has great handwriting. I wonder if CFA corporate hired her for thet purpose. Note the hand-written quality, a nice touch.

So I’m stymied, what am I to do? Try to get a franchise license to CFA — I don’t much care for the restaurant business though.

I thought about the matter at some length and reflected upon the response I got from Senator Boxer lo these many months ago. My next step was to email Governor Schwarzenegger.

And this is what I said…

Note, I’m presenting this form unedited. I submitted this by web-form so I wrote off the cuff and didn’t put adequate time into proofreading. I hope the Governor’s functionaries are not stymied.

Dear Mr. Governor (or responding party),

I have a request, as governor you help stimulate the expansion of business for the betterment of all Californians. Being, like yourself and many other Californians, I moved here from elsewhere (Texas, exactly) and came to love the tasty restaurant known as Chick-Fil-A (CFA). CFA offers a fresh chicken product that tastes oh-so-good. If you’ve not been recently, hope in the car (er, Humvee) and take the wife and kids - it’s darn tasty.

I myself like the 12 pack nugget combo - I think you would too.

Now here’s the part where you can help. You see there are dozens and dozens of CFAs in Southern California / LA-Region, but there is only ONE within 200 miles of San Francisco.

Surely with the high tech economy of the Silicon Valley and / or the greatest big city in the world, San Francisco, Bay Areans deserve a tasty chicken meal at an affordable price! I have emailed their corporate divisions and have been told that while there are many further expansions planned in LA and vicinity, us folks by the bay must go without.

Could you please ask them to help get a franchise going in Palo Alto, Mountain View, SF, San Jose, or anywhere within a 30 minute drive from either SF or SJ.

I love those tasty chicken bits.

Respectfully,

Steven Harms

I’ll let everyone know how it plays out.